Talking Talking Talking

Haven't been on here for donkeys. However think that I have needed to for a while so maybe this is the start of thins to come.

Uni. Has been a bit of a tough one this year. I have been struggling alot with why I am there and what I think i'm going to do when I actually get whatever qualifications I do. I had so many plans in the beginning that can entirely be achieved still, but, I have fallen out of love with actually going to uni! Not a good thing because I know that it is a very important step in the life of education. I just can't seem to get motivated. As it is not that long to exams I imagine that motivation will now all have to go into actually doing exam practice and revision.
Im 27 years old though for fucks sake! I shuld know what I want to do and have a plan of action to how I am going to fulfill that epic dream. I don't. I can't seem to actually fixate on something for long enough for me to get a career out of it. That scares me more than anything. I have always been called "a jack of all and master of non" type of guy, which is lovely but actually slightly depressing as it means that there is nothing in particular that I feel I can put all of my energy enough to be the best that I possibly can at. My lack of focus is something that i just have to change. People all around me are moving on with their lives and I seem to always have a new 'thing' that i am getting in too, however, it never works out the way I plan. I would hate to sound like i'm whining because I don't mean too. If I were me listening to me I would be saying

"listen. Stop fucking bitching. If you want to change something in your life then just do it. It's your life and no one else is going to do it for you. Grow some."

That is entirely the truth. It is exactly what i should be doing. But when i don't have the direction or the inclination to drive towards something with conviction, i find it very difficult. It's up to me. Of course it is. But I cant work towards something if I don't know what that something is. The one thing I have promised myself that I will never do a job again that when I wake in the morning, dread and anguish fill my stomach. I have done it before and I just won't do it again. The good part is that small shitty jobs have fulfilled me wholeheartedly before. The job I do know is crappy but I actually don't mind it (except for the politics which will be covered in a separate post).

The overwhelming factor to the entire situation is that i don't want to disappoint my mum and dad, again! Doesn't matter what they say, they were gutted I left cooking. It's all they talk about when I see them and I know that they are waiting fr the day that i say that im going to go back to it. Im not. I have had that point in my life and it's over. I still feel like i failed a bit by leaving. I hate not finishing things (except sad movies because there is just no need to watch a sad movie). I know that it would not be cool if i go back to mum and dad and say

"Oh. By the way. I'm not doing psychology any more. In fact i'm going to become a blacksmith(a genuine idea at one point)".

Thats not to say that i'm not going to carry on and do psychology but the idea of doing it is something that I have been toiling with alot in the last few months and it has certainly gotten me down a bit.
Anyway i'm sure things will sort themselves out and I will stop sounding like a whiny bitch soon.